I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
