i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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