today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
