God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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