You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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