The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
