My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
