Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
