My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
