Can Purell be used as lube?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
