remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
