So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
