I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
