If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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