I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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