I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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