2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Screwed.edu
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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