So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
