i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
