I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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