Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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