you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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