Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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