Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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