i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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