why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
