He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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