In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh god it's open bar.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
