Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
