The maid of honor just puked.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
