dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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