You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
