i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
