so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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