Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
