my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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