Say something about gay babies.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
