My sheets look like a crime scene.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
