a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
