apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
