How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
