Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
