my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
