While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
