We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
