Already got asked if we're dating
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Duck Duck Cougar?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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