I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
