so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
did you just send me my own nude
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
