Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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