I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
