fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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